An email has been sent to you. “It’s Christmas Eve! That’s it. Oh Christmas cheese, oh Christmas cheese, how lovely are thy platters.
“It’s that’s special time of year when your whole family gathers together in one place to look at their cellphones.” — Jimmy Kimmel60.
—People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas. “Once you stop believing in Santa, you get underwear for Christmas.” — Unknown89. I forgot to check one time and they hatched all over these people’s house—and there were hundreds of thousands of them!” — Taylor Swift28. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.” — Samantha Bee6. “I’m only a morning person on December 25th.” — Unknown88. Thanks for signing up! —My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge. “Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”80. “Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. … “I just want to be rich enough to buy enough ornaments to cover more than one side of the tree.” — Charlotte Christmas98.
The problem with that is if you leave them on there, people bring them into their house. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. Fat.” — Unknown90. There was an error in your submission. Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. “Christmas is the season when people run out of money before they run out of friends.” — Larry Wilde ”Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.” — Gary Allan3. Yeah, but thanks for the socks! “The ideal Christmas gift is money, but the trouble is you can’t charge it.” — Bill Vaughan58.
Merry Christmas, almost Everybody! I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, ‘Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.’ The paper I used said, ‘Happy Birthday.’ I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.” — Demetri Martin66. “It’s all fun and games until Santa checks the naughty list.” — Unknown87. “The older I get, the fewer useless gifts I get. You know what she got me?
And also go in mid-December.” — Louis C.K.64.
‘It’s often infested with nargles.’” — J.K. Rowling61. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be.” — Bill Murray20. “Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.” — Andy Borowitz44.
And that’s just not enough. You know, the birth of Santa.” — Bart Simpson23. “At Christmas, tea is compulsory. “I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. Little funny moments can …
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.” — Unknown86. Thanks for signing up!
What’s in that pipe he’s smoking?” — Arlo Guthrie95. Christmas is such a carefree, low-pressure time—that’s one of the things I love about it. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.” — Henny Youngman11. ”It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales.”— Milton Berle7. Please try again. A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together.
So, it was my job to pull the preying mantis pods off of the Christmas trees.
—Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. Thankfully, there are a variety of ways to lighten the mood this holiday season—including funny Christmas quotes. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” — Jay Leno26.
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. “I don’t know what to say, but it’s Christmas, and we’re all in misery.” — National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation15. “Christmas is a box of tree ornaments that have become part of the family.”— Charles M. Schulz8.
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